Wednesday, June 6, 2012

High Strangeness: The Wildest Bigfoot Theories

At the risk of alienating even more followers of Bigfoot Theory, I will list a few of the most extreme explanations for the hairy hominid, in order of strange to strangest.
 Anyone who is a staunch ‘flesh and blood’ advocate will likely just skip over this chapter in the saga, and perhaps even a few of the ‘extranormal/spiritual’ camp will give these suppositions short shrift as well, but until Bigfoot is fully explained, tagged, categorized, and/or listed in 'Who's Who', all available, pertinent information should at least be given a quick perusal.
We can absorb fairly easily the ideas of a simple ghostly version of Sasquatch. Native American/First Nations peoples have a long history of the spiritual, animistic Gods who rule their world and the stories are well documented.  
From a neat sci-fi oriented site called
‘In an early issue of the Bigfoot newsletter The Track Record, Gayle Highpine surveyed the various attitudes of North American tribes toward Bigfoot. Lakota, Dakota and Ojibway consider him a spirit guide and harbinger who brings "signs or messages that there is a need to change, a need to cleanse." One Dakota tribe member told a local newspaper, "They exist in another dimension from us, but can appear in this dimension whenever they have a reason to."
Highpine also alludes to a common Bigfoot theme – psychic powers:
The existence of Bigfoot is taken for granted throughout Native North America, and so are his powerful psychic abilities. [Native elders] say that Bigfoot knows when humans are searching for him and that he chooses when and to whom to make an appearance, and that his psychic powers account for his ability to elude the white man's efforts to capture him or hunt him down.
In the 2002 documentary Bigfootville, Native Americans in Oklahoma claimed that Bigfoot could be standing right in front of you, but he could make you not see him with his "magic hypnosis powers."

Bigfoot is an Alien
In a 1997 interview with Big Foot Encounters (Thank you Bobbie Short) comes the following story about a rural Seattle man's experience:
'Under hypnosis he told of watching two UFOnauts descend from beneath a huge hovering disk-shaped UFO and walk casually into the woods followed by a tall, hair-covered ape-like creature that seemed subservient to them. For weeks preceding the experience the witness said he was often roused at night by a loud whirring noise that originated in the sky above trees near his home. Neighbors also heard the sound which was recorded on tape, and in one of the recordings a high-pitched wailing cry can be heard behind the drone of the sound-maker.'

Bigfoot is a Demon/Shapeshifter

Looking at the basic, known parameters, it is arguable that Bigfoot could indeed be some kind of fallen angel.
He smells of sulfur, he has red glowing eyes, he strikes not just fear into witness/observers, but abject terror. He can run like a gazelle, scale impossible inclines and also just vanish instantly. He has the hellish scream of a woman in terrific pain.
His physical profile includes monstrous proportion compared to humans and a decidedly shaggy, goat-like exterior. Some reports include longish canine-like teeth and claws, and his demeanor during encounters is anything but friendly.
My own brother suggested (after reading 'Hunt for the Skinwalker') that due to a increasingly thinner veil between dimensions, humans will begin to encounter more and more demonic type beings, ranging from flying humanoids to inexplicable lifeforms, including Bigfoots who shape-shift, Bigfoots with wings, cat heads, missing body parts and even those wearing odd garments or carrying wands or tools. Talk about weird...this is the stuff.
But this catch-all explanation also allows fairies, goblins, ghosts and giants, so I think we're too far into folk tales and legends. We need to pare down the answer a bit more.
And too, Bigfoot does not seem to have a decided agenda, with no reports of deal-making, deal-breaking or other deceptions usually ascribed to tricksters like Beelzebub.
So for now, we have delineated the base, negative outline, we can ascertain that at least Bigfoot is probably not a Lutheran or Baptist, (although we cannot rule out Mormon yet.)

Bigfoot is Cain

'The Journal of Mormon History published an investigation into stories suggesting that the Bigfoot creatures are actually Cain from the bible, who murdered Adam and Eve's other son, Abel.
The article was written by Matthew Bowman who cited a manuscript dating back to 1919.  The manuscript tells of a missionary being attacked by a "huge hairy creature" whom the missionary drove off in the name of Christ!  This event brought up a discussion at the time between missionaries concerning another story from famed Mormon missionary, David W. Patten, who had also encountered a Bigfoot in Tennessee.  Patten described the Bigfoot as having no clothes, hairy and dark.  Patten further explained in his story from 1835, that the Bigfoot wanders the Earth, has no home, is very miserable,unable to die, and seeks the souls of lost men. In Patten's story, he
says he rebuked the beast in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and told him to leave.
So, the Bigfoot departed.  Uh-huh.

The article about these two past events by author Bowman, seems to tie some folklore together into a neat little package for the Mormon church to discuss and sort of wrap together.  You see, the other piece to this puzzle is that Mormon doctrine has taught that God punished Cain's ancestors and as part of their punishment the "mark of Cain" or "black skin" was given to them.  These racists teachings could be rectified, albeit crazily, if the Mormon church changes their teachings to say that the "black skin" is really the dark, Bigfoot creature's hairy hide.  Upon hearing this, apparently The Museum of Hoaxes suggested jokingly, "If Bigfoot is Cain, maybe Nessie is really the snake from the
Garden of Eden."

Mitt Romney said 'Bigfoot is a hoax'
# Steven Says:
February 12th, 2008 at 10:40 pm

Ahem!!!! I would just like to clear the air on the statement that bigfoot is a descendant of cain. May I remind you that after Adam, Eve, Cain and Abel there appeared in the Biblical text a man named Noah. In Noah’s day the earth was flooded wiping out all except 7 and these seven were Noah’s family. Therefore, unless Noah gathered a male and female bigfoot (Given Cain’s character I find this highly unlikely) or unless bigfoot can tread water for 40 days and 40 nights, it is impossible for Bigfoot to be a descendant of Cain. As you can see the theory that bigfoot is Cain is purely the figment of an ignorant mind much like many of the “Revelations” Joseph Smith and later leaders had.

Except for one thing: Remember, Cain 'cannot die'...which must mean, he's a helluva swimmer. sar
Bigfoot is from Another Planet
Nephilim, the Ra Material and

Bigfoot is a Cyborg/Robot/Supersoldier

This is my favorite take on the mystery for the sheer bizarreness. To suspect that the giant creature is not only NOT human, but that he was manufactured, with tubes, gears, pumps and circuitry, to mimic NOT a human, but a cross between a human and an ape, is so rich with strangeness that it should only be a matter of time before it becomes a tv or movie plot. Of course, this has already happened, and in the third season of ‘The Six Million Dollar Man’, an action drama featuring a cybernetic human that aired in the United States in the mid 1970s, Bigfoot was introduced as a fearsome nemesis for the hero, Steve Austin, who after a fierce log throwing battle and wrestling match (along with a foot chase at automotive speed) became further twisted by the discovery by Steve, after tearing off the Giant’s arm, that Bigfoot was not just a big ape, but a robot not terribly unlike Steve himself.  The irony is delicious. And story gets better when Steve tracks the Bigfoot to a cave where we learn he is captured by a group of aliens. These aliens had created the Bigfoot to protect them as they plundered the planet for jewels and precious metals.
We have to wonder: Where did the script writers get this bizarre idea?

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